 Very Helpful! |
| Review Date: July 16, 2004 |
| Reviewer: , |
| I read the original "Rules" book before it became popular, and I was one of the people who the authors polled when they were working on "The Rules for Online Dating." This book is wonderful if (like me) you are a very sensitive person who is eager to find Mr. Right. I've had my heart broken quite a few times over online dating experiences, and I must admit, each time it happened, I broke the "Rules" that are in this book. It's easy to get carried away with the fantasy of online correspondence, and this "Rules" book will save you a lot of time and heartache. I was surprised to read so many user-reviews about this book that were written by men. If you are a man, and you are trying to figure women out by reading "The Rules for Online Dating," I have some advice for you...
If you really like a girl, and think you would be a good match, dont give up. Be persisent and try to meet her. Don't worry about whether she is "playing games." Why not? Here's why:
(1) A lady who seems to be "doing THE RULES on you" may have never even heard of this book! There were times when I was not "into" the RULES, and didn't care whether I followed them or not. Then, to my surprise, I noticed that I practiced them by accident, simply because real life got in the way. For instance, I didn't email men back for a few days because I was too busy to check my email. (This can be infuriating if you are the kind of person who checks his email every day, but face it, not everybody does!) I recently met a guy from internet dating who informed me over dinner that he was glad he "tried again." I had no idea what he was talking about. It turns out, he had emailed me before, but I deleted his emails without even looking at them. This had nothing to do with the "Rules" book and everything to do with the job I took to make some extra money for Christmas presents.
(2) If a girl really IS making a conscious effort to follow this book, does it matter? She's just trying to take the relationship slowly. She just wants to be sure you are a nice guy whom she can trust. Would you really advise your sister, daughter, or divorced/widowed mother to email strange men from the internet, share personal information and intimate thoughts with these strange men (in writing!), and go running/flying off to meet and sleep with these men at a moment's notice? Give us girls a break. Most of us don't have Papa standing on the porch with a shotgun when we meet new men, so we have to do SOMETHING to protect ourselves from creeps and "players." |
You have to learn the rules before you can break them
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| Review Date: January 5, 2005 |
| Reviewer: Daisy Duck, Oregon, USA |
As I've learned in graphic design and cooking, you have to learn the rules of the trade before you can break them with confidence (and success). That said, this book provides a great outline of how to find success in online dating, assuming success is defined as achieving a long-term romantic relationship.
For the men who refute the validity of these rules:
You like a woman who is honest. Rules girls are always truthful; how is saying we're busy when asked for a date on short notice manipulative? Rules girls are always busy because our lives are full, we're not sitting by the phone waiting to be called for a date.
You like women who return phone calls and e-mails. Rules girls return phone calls and e-mails at the earliest opportunity--we're busy but well worth the wait--our weekends are always full of fun activities with family and friends, not checking e-mail. If you interpret a longer-that-24-hour delay as disinterest, you don't have enough initiative to interest us anyway. You also like women who initiate phone calls themselves--perhaps when we know you better, we will, wouldn't that be a treat?
You like women who answer the questions you ask instead of ignoring them. Anything more personal than, "Just got back from walking the dog...do you like dogs?" deserves to be ignored. The brevity of a Rules girl's response has nothing to do with our level of education. If you don't understand a "Hi, sorry for not responding sooner, I've been so swamped!" means we're thinking of you despite our busy schedules, then you're not our type anyway.
You like women who take initiative. We're ambitious women who take initiative in all other aspects of our lives--we would like to be in a long-term romantic relationship with a man who is self-confident enough to take the initiative.
You like women to ask you out...well, I prefer to be asked out. If you're my type of man, you will run the risk of rejection, because you are self-confident and interested in me. If you're *that* interested in me, you will likely win that first date!
If you aren't dazzled by me within four e-mails, that's about a week of completely impersonal communication and you're just not that interested. I need to move on to brighter prospects.
Equality in a relationship is not based on who pays for a date--who really thinks that anyway? If you ask a Rules girl out, she is your guest and you pay (and, lest we forget, you plan). When I ask you out, I will pay (by that time, though, you'll have married me, so it may not matter).
The techniques this book recommends would quickly cause you to look elsewhere. That works for us, you're not Rules girl material! If YOU want a relationship with a Rules girl, you'll make it happen. If you don't, you won't--the Rules girl won't waste her (or your) precious time trying to force what isn't there. Not all people fit with each other, and this book helps women with particular expectations understand why they're not being met by the men they date.
All of that said, I discovered I have been practicing the Rules nearly my entire dating life. It has been when I've broken my own personal "rules" that I've experienced heart-wrenching break-ups, because the relationships should never have been in the first place. Cheers to all the Rules girls, past, present and future! |
The Best Review about The Rules
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| Review Date: September 11, 2008 |
| Reviewer: E. James, |
Have you noticed that most of the negative comments about this book are written by men? Well, there's a reason for that. Men don't want to feel "manipulated" or part of some strategic plot. Understandable. However, guess what? This book isn't written for them! It's written for women, only. No matter how hard men try, they will never know what it's like to be a WOMAN and not asked out, or to have men constantly ask you out, but then they all lose interest. It's too painful, so let's give ourselves an honest break.
These Rules aren't to deceive anyone, contrary to what some people may say. They're actually to transform and empower a woman. I'll admit, if a normally talkative/boisterous woman acts quiet just to get her man, then she's not being honest and that's wrong. The authors, Ellen and Sherrie, do not support that kind of behavior. They actually want women to work on their dating skills, like someone working on their cooking or writing skills.
How would a man feel if a woman frequently called him at 2am in the morning with her emotional issues? She talked too much and wouldn't get off the phone when a man has to work the next day? She quits all her extracurricular activities/hobbies just so she can pursue a man? Shows up at a man's doorstep one weekend without calling first and expects him to entertain her (even though he may have already had plans)? She nags or tells a man what to do, like his mother would?
Women don't really do that, right? Wrong! Heck, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I used to do some of those things myself, and I know PLENTY of other women that still do. That's the point! Even if some of the methods in the book seem a bit extreme, it's helping women (especially ones with low-self esteem or can't seem to get/keep a man) learn important skills of respect (a man's time) and about having a life of their own, which is very attactive.
My story: People were saying, "You're so smart, attractive, and talented...how come you're not married?" I definitely had men pursuing me, but then they seemed to ALWAYS lose interest. I used to think I was cursed or God hated me. Then a friend suggested The Rules book and it turned my love life around. Suddenly I learned how to keep a man by not being so obnoxious and pursuing him too heavily, and giving him the space a respect a man deserves. And it wasn't deception either. I worked hard to make these skills truly part of my life and not some false front to deceive anyone.
And guess what? I married an amazing man! He's tall, handsome, very intelligent (PhD), has a great job, superb personality and wit, and very much a gentleman. After his divorce, he seriously had women throwing themselves at him and pursing HIM! He would initially like these women, but they seemed so clingy and needy after awhile that if turned him off. Then when he met me, I was pursing an intense career, dating lots of other amazing men, and didn't have time to spend hours on the phone/computer bearing my soul to some stranger. He thought my confidence (which was sincere) was amazing and pursued me vigorously. Needless to say, he won my heart and the rest is history.
So, some may scoff, but honestly women, read the book and take it with a grain of salt. If something doesn't apply to you or feel right, test it out. If it doesn't work, don't do. Use your head and common sense. But there are lots of GREAT suggestions. And remember, this book IS NOT FOR MEN! Good luck, ladies, and I hope you marry the man of your dreams like I (finally) did!
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excellent advice
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| Review Date: July 17, 2006 |
| Reviewer: reader, st. louis, mo |
| I am a fan of the first book and subsequent "Rules" books by these authors. While these authors are criticized for being manipulative and non-feminist, one only has to try out their methods and look for results (or, conversely, violate the rules and see that doing so ends in disaster). Every time I have violated a rule of theirs, the man has immediately lost interest. What's great about this book is that it tells you exactly how to handle certain situations that arise when you are engaging in the online search for a significant other. This book is just what I needed to save myself time and heartache! |
A Masculine Point of View
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| Review Date: April 29, 2009 |
| Reviewer: Edward G. Simmons, Atlanta, GA |
This is a book written by women for women. Their point is simple and straightforward: the woman has to play hard-to-get. She puts very little information in her online profile and never responds to his profile first. When he e-mails her, she waits at least 24 hours before responding. She never answers him on a weekend because he needs to think her life is full of meaningful activity. Her e-mails are short and light, evading answering serious questions such as how her other relationships ended. She never gets involved in Instant Messaging because that makes her too accessible and she could get caught up in the conversation and give out too much information too soon. If he doesn't ask to meet her in four e-mails or less, she cuts him off and moves on.
The idea is that the man must pursue with minimal gratification in order to get him to become serious. Most of the time the goal seems to be marriage. Giving out too much information or getting too serious too fast will lead the man to go "poof."
From a man's perspective, there is much good sense in these rules; but, from my personal experience, I am glad I have met women who didn't pay attention to some of them. In one case, I developed a serious long-term relationship with a woman who contacted me first. For some reason, the online service showed me as a match for her but not her as a match for me. If she had not contacted me, we never would have met.
A number of the rules make very good sense no matter what your gender. If either party can't decide to meet within four e-mails, then they are wasting their time. Many books have advised women to take up to a month in e-mail and then maybe another month on the telephone before meeting a man. I think such defensive advice is absurd. Fein and Schneider have a very good chapter on security precautions a woman should take and they are sufficient to put a woman at ease in meeting a man after only four e-mails.
From the masculine perspective, Fein and Schneider are too restrictive on women who question traditional gender roles. Nevertheless, most of what they say is practical and, as they know from their consulting practice, leads to good results for women who want the man to take the lead and become committed to a relationship.
Gordon Scott Edwards, author of Internet Safari, Finding Love Online At 65
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